a powerful fantasy of leaving.

A heartfelt outcry of bitterness and a vigorous finger-wagging, to my once dear friends, yoga and meditation.

I am tired of you both. Whatever power I once took from your practices has completely left my body and the void that I’m now left with is stark.

I cannot try anymore because I cannot be better, I can't keep up. I cannot compete because the self-loathing I feel when engaging in the rat race of your practices leaves me immobilized and small. I’m drained from hours of staring into my tiny iphone screen, judging the flaws and achievements of others. I was long ago sapped of all my energy available for study, research and regurgitation of profound wisdom.

In fact, I’m fed up with how simple it is to have you both in my life, yoga and meditation. It’s so simple having you around but any challenges I face are never completely resolved thanks to your presence. You cause my existential queries to hit hard and deep. You both appear unassuming but manage to hold me accountable for every last movement and every last thought. You are like second skin and I want so badly to shed you but it’s nearly impossible to leave this complicated relationship.

I hate that I feel powerless when I stand in front of others, hoping to shed the light and guidance of your intricate pathways. I lack credibility because I know my commitment to you wavers - I know that my phases without inspiration and without drive are very real, very bleak. I look out to willing faces, willing students and I put on my mask, I fumble over words that no longer stir my heart, like the fraud that I am. 

I can no longer even verbalize how I practice, or what it is I practice – where is the power in that?

I do know for sure that I want to leave you, yoga and meditation.

I do not feel any power in staying.

I have endured this long.

I’ve made myself tremble with vulnerability.

I’ve stood before crowds and have faced my own desperation, exhaustion, injury.

I’ve quietly battled against the narcissists, the menopausal, the victims, the children, the angry.

I’ve watched myself compete, gossip, breakdown, win and lose, agonize over every last word I uttered.

I’ve broken dates, meetings, friendships.

I’ve made myself push through, learn again, train, read everything, write my heart out, be completely honest and breathe deeply.

I do not know what’s next but I do not feel strong or capable of living this anymore.

I am an empty shell, unable to tell you why the practices work. I’m hesitant to tell anyone how to proceed because so many think they know the right way, the only way, and I’m really starting to believe that for me, my current path is walking away.

I’m done with the questioning.

I’m done with the grasping, the forcing and all the planning.

I’m done with all the fakes, all the spiritual bypassing and all the egotistical manipulators.

I’m done with caring so deeply about what you think. and what I think.

If there is any power in practicing and teaching your ways, yoga and meditation, I want to find it in freedom, in the letting go, in leaving behind all my quarrels, all my insecurities, my fears of putting it all out there, my struggle to succeed, and my shame for not being everything good and spiritual all the time.

It’s over, I’m gone. Time to get free. 

Posted on January 1, 2017 .