I hum and haw over writing resolutions. I procrastinate and stall on activities that ‘should’ be carried out on certain days.
On the last eve of 2015 and the first morning of 2016, I silently felt a self-induced pressure to journal and say prayers for the year ahead. In rebellion towards reflection and visioning, I instead naughtily and quickly listed my many flaws: not pretty enough, not fit enough, not kind enough, not rich enough, not spiritual enough. I was tempted to include to this list that I don’t take New Year’s resolutions seriously enough but hopefully the following glimpse into my process highlights the need for more lightness, more authentic contemplation and in whatever timing feels right for the unfolding of what lies ahead…
I actually don’t create timelines for my personal growth or my career. I’ve never been able to wrap my head around setting goals. I do not measure the success of my life according to milestones. Rather, I do regular ‘check ins’ with how I’m feeling about various projects and relationships. I ask myself if I feel calm and confident about moving forward with some ideas. I often wait. I wait until people enter my life to give me subtle cues or who inspire me.
I contemplate where I don’t do well, my vulnerabilities and use those aha’s to fuel the direction that feels the best for future endeavours… I look at my weaknesses to gain insight into how I can grow and grow, personally and professionally. Goal setting is a practice of waiting to create what feels right instinctually, rather than pushing and forcing myself into corners or places with a definitive end point.
(And I know it’s also an easy cop out and avoidance tactic to write only about my flaws. I’m too familiar with where my insecurities will lead me if I allow them to [a less common occurrence lately].)
Back to my anti-resolution list. I almost laughed out loud at the last item: ‘not spiritual enough’??! I mean really! In what and whose world could I ever have imagined myself contemplating such ridiculousness on a quiet morning off work?! Take me back 10 years and I would have blinked vacantly had someone told me this is where my musings would lead… It would have been way beyond my intellectual, emotional and ethical understanding. Plus it’s borderline pretentious. Now that I am on this path looking into the nature of truth and compassion, I realize there is no such thing as not spiritual enough. Spirituality is not an end goal nor is it something that can ever be lacking. So once again, honestly looking into my insecurities and where I don’t do well reveals the hilarity of their existence.
If this honest introspection, turned into lighthearted revelation isn’t a great starting point for New Year’s resolutioning and clear sightedness, then I could stop here.
But I know this method feels right. I didn’t force any kind of outcome or any time constraints while reflecting. I wrote with ease and with honesty and saw aspects about my habitual patterns that don’t need to hold me hostage anymore.
I saw that these insecure demons resurfaced after dark, bedridden days without prayer or intention but steeped in simply breathing. I saw that boredom and mundane moments are not revered as overly ‘spiritual’ times in life – but it’s in the boredom, the wordless and the lackluster that my true practice ensues.
I saw that letting it all be will never subside as a guiding lesson or goal, if you will – in all its simplicity and difficulty.
Let it be.
Let the timing be natural.
Let the path present itself.
Let others be different from you.
Let the light be bright and the single flame hold you steady.
Let spirituality be in every act and every being.